Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
