i think my mom watched the whole time
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
