It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
