Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
