ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
