First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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