not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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