Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
