captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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