I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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