I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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