Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
