we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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