I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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