I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
