I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize