Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
