i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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