FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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