Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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