swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
