if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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