This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
