she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
