i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize