you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
