I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
