Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
