Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm just crazy horny about you
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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