She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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