He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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