Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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