She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
