My friends, they love my intelligence
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i now understand why vodka
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
