im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
