My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
