at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
