she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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