just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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