I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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