I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize