Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
