Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
