god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I stole a fireplace last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
