Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The best revenge is premature balding
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
