Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
