I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
