hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize