If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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