never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
