i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
