I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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