my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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