is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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