yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
