i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
