Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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