Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
