My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Randomize
