from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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