I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was CRYING into my vagina
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
