Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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