imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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