my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
