imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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