Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
